Packes Syrra

Sometimes things happen in your life. It all happens in a few seconds and everything changes forever. 

You end up miserable, knowing that you could've done a million things differently and things could still be like they used to. Being torn between blaming yourself for what happened and knowing it's not your fault. 

"If only I had...", "I should just have...", "What if I...".  None of it actually really matters, because it did happen and you did not do a single one of those millions things differently. 

What could've been if THAT didn't happen? How would things be now? I guess that's what hurts the most. Knowing things could still be good. That, and people not believing in your side of the story. The people you still want as your friends... 

The guilt and shame of ending up in that situation. How could this even happen? 

Still it's not those few seconds that repeat itself in the head like a broken record. It's everything around it, the broken relationships and trusts, the hurt and tears and the feeling that "Why did things have to end that way?". What could have been. 

How do you kill the demons inside your head?

Deciding not to let them get to you doesn't really help. Maybe acceptance comes later on...?

Until then, do you let the demons take over and break you down just to be able to build yourself up again or do you pretend they don't exist until they're gone forever? 

2017/07/14

For the first time in ages I went to McDonalds for lunch today. I had the new Chicken BigMac and it tasted ok...

Right now I just wish I had something else for lunch, because I feel so bloated and disgusting and it feels like I have gained 5 kg over lunch. 

The taste in my mouth feels like I've had a tree-day-old McD-burger and honestly, I wish I didn't have my emetophobia (fear of vomiting and everything about me/other people vomiting) becuase I just wanna stick my fingers in my throat and get it all out. Not in a bulimia-kind-of-way, I just don't feel well after having that burger and it kinda feels like posion in my body. 

I'm planning on taking an hour walk after work (planned it way before the McD-mistake) and now I cannot wait. Not only cause I want to do something about this disgusted-feeling but also, the moment I walk out that door - my vacation starts.. 4 weeks baby!!!! I really need this time off to deal with everything that's been going on lately. I wanna get back on track now, and I think having time off is a good start. 

I hope I will have the motivation and energy to get this body moving and get back in shape! According to the forecasts the weather is going to be nice and I really want to spend time outside and enjoy this short period of time we call "summer". The Swedish climate makes me bitter, I know. 

Yesterday I was talking to a few people at work and I said that I can relate people who feel they were born in the wrong body. I'm pretty sure I was - I think I was supposed to be born in another country even.. Now, don't mean it in a "I was born a girl but I'm actually a dude"-kind of way but more like, "I was supposed to be from Southern Europe". Somewhere where it won't get too cold, where it's like summer most of the year. I don't mind if it's raining as long as it's not too cold. 

The only thing that's weird is that I have abstinence for hockey now. And I know that, basically there's no hockey unless it's autumn/winter... 

The excitement, adrenaline, hope, the belly aches and happiness. As soon as the schedule for season 17/18 was out I put it in my calendar. Yesterday I was thinking I might go to see Airbourne in Stockholm in October, but noticed I can't cause it''s gameday. That's how much of a nerd I am. Can't wait! 

But first... SummerVACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, almost.. More like: Rock, eat, -- repeat. 2 ½ hours of sleep is what I got after coming home from the Guns N Roses concert on Thursday.

I thank god for caffein right now (funny since I don't even believe in god... That's how thankful I am). 

On Wednesday I went to Bråvalla Festival, Norrköping and saw System Of A Down. FINALLY! I listened to them a lot when I was a teenager and they were one of the first rock bands I really liked. (Now that I think of it, it's a weird first rock band to like that much)

Their show was so fucking weird sometimes, but also - SO FUCKING GOOD! They had a set of ~30 songs but it never got boring. Out of all my favourites, they played all of them but maybe 5 songs, and I have a lot o favourites... 

During a few of them, things got so weird on stage, I was thinking "did someone slip something in my water earlier or is this really happening?".

Thursday was Guns N Roses-night at Friends Arena. This was amazing too.. And Long.... 3 hours and 9 minutes. My feet almost died and I felt like the oldest lady in that arena. I almost felt bad complaining since I saw at least 5 pregnant ladies where I was standing, one of them looked like she could give birth any second. 

"Not in this lifetime tour" is what they call it and the story behind it is so funny. (The band splitting up, Axl and Slash having this huge fight about whatever and saying that a reunion will never happen, "not in this lifetime" and then it happened anyway). 

The show was really good, but I'm not very happy with the sound where we were standing. Apparently the sound was really good at the very front and I remember it was when we saw AC/DC at Friends arena, but where we were standing it was not as good this time. This arena is known for its bad sound, so it was not really a surprise. A few of the songs got pretty boring to me, since I haven't really listened to The Chinese Democracy-album, like at all... Johan has waited for this for over 15 years so he was really happy (like a child on Christmas x10000). He even said "Slash must be like no.1 on your freebee-list* after this huh? Like, I'm not attracted to dudes, but I worship this guy". He was right. 

*Freebee-list is a list of 5 celebrities that you get to XXX without it beaing cheating or the other person getting mad. 

There is something about Slash and his guitar. Like, I don't see it as "a guy and his guitar". He somehow becomes one with that beautiful instrument and expresses himself through it in a way that I feel like I can understand, even though there are no words. 

There's no doubt the guitar is the love of his life and I am grateful that it is, because I get to enjoy his relationship with it too. 

The show ended with pyro and confetti and Paradise City. The company running the trains in Stockholm (SL) decided that it would be a good idea starting their new project on this day at 22:00. Two hours before 55.000 people were supposed to leave the area. The trains would leave every 30 minutes and wouldn't operate south from Stockholm Central and we parked our car in Tullinge like always, going to Stockholm(30 minutes with trains from Stockholm C). Getting a taxi was impossible and there were barely any busses either. We were running around the area, really confused and tired, trying to get the fuck out of there and 01:30 we managed to catch the train to Stockholm C. From there we had to find a taxi (just like 30.000 other people). We finally found one that wasn't too expensive. The driver listened to GNR so that was a good sign. When we finally got home we went straight to bed - 03:30. 2 ½ hours later my alarm went off since I had to go to work. Zombie-mode. 

On friday I had a little birthday party for some friends and family. We watched Trosa Stadslopp, an 8,9km long run that happens every year around my birthday, and had food/cake/icecream. I am so grateful for all the love and presents I got during this night. It is amazing I could stay awake for so long, especially since I tucked Theo in when he went to bed. I stayed in there with him until he fell asleep and I was about to do the same. 

On saturday we went to Erik, Tess and Gustav for their moving in/"naming ceremony". The weather was really nice so we could stay outside, playing games having cake and food. It was a really nice party and I wish we could've stayed longer but I was really tired so we decided to go home instead of staying over like we first had planned. 

Sunday was all about recovering. I stayed in bed until noon and then I just chilled aaaaall day. This week is the first week without any plans during the week since april, so hopefully I will have more time to just take it easy. This friday we will go back to Gdansk, Poland with Karlsson and Alle this time. I am really looking forward to it, especially having the best beer in the world at Hotel Gdansk*****. Can't wait! 

XXX