New year, new start, new life
2018... Not a single day too soon. I am welcoming this new year with open arms, like a family member that has been missing. I am not sure how to sum up 2017, but I am not going to remember it as a good year.
The downstairs bathroom is "done" (as good as it gets with these people), although we still haven't seen the invoice or our key that they still have. Oh, and they were "done" in September, a job they started in March that should not take more than 2-3 months...
The summer of 2017 was supposed to be the best, but ended up the worst because of something that happened the week before my birthday. I will leave out the details, but this is something that fucked up a lot of things and I don't think I'll get over it for a while. I'm trying to accept that, but it is hard.
Since my summer vacation was not very private, meaning I didn't have any alone-time, I didn't get time to process it all right after it happened. Going back to work wouldn't make it any easier since we had to start working over time every week starting in August and our heaviest period of the year started and kept going until October/November. Also, the first week of my summer vacation I had to go to the doctor with a soar throat and I had to take pills for 10 days....
My body started to tell me to stop (or at least to slow down a bit) by giving me a weird vibration-feeling in my chest and a heart that was beating way too fast, usually when going to bed. My resting heart rate is usually around 65-71 bpm, but as I was about to fall asleep my heart rate could spontaneously raise to 95+ bpm. Almost every time I would kinda panic, being sure that this is the time I die becuase of a heart attack. This would go on almost every night for 2-3 months before I finally went to see a doctor.
They checked my heart and my blood, and it turns out I'm very healthy. At least physically...
Dealing (or postponing dealing) with the issues during 2017 made me lose all motivation to stay healthy (working out and eating healthy food). I usually turn to food/sweets when I'm depressed or sad, and this time was not an exception.
2011 was my "fatso-year". I gained so much weight and that is when my weight peaked... Until now. I have now gained so much weight, this is the "heaviest" I've ever been. It has gotten to the point where most of my clothes are too tight and only going for a walk is exhausting. Maybe that's not too weird since im carrying like 12 kg more than I did in June...
This year I am going to focus on being healthy rather than having "losing weight" as my main goal. I want to be able to accept the things I cannot change. I want to have the strength to take control over my life and my own mind.
2018 is going to be my get-well-year!
Two weeks
In two weeks I will have a fresh start. A new year, leaving 2017 behind. It feels good and I cannot wait.
I am going to see 2018 as a starting point of my new life. Not only "I’m gonna lose weight", but also to move on from everything that has happened in the past year.
I feel motivated, I want to feel good a be healthy again. Not only physically. My focus will be my mental health and I have realised that is what is important.
It will be good.
I will make it good.
Master of puppets
The best thing about being on the mail-team and not on the phone is that I can listen to music when I'm working. Since before my vacation I've been sitting alone with no people around to talk to so I've been listening to music almost all the time.
Yesterday I found "Metal Talks" on Spotify and it's kinda like a podcast/radio show where bands/band members talking about their music and the band and so on.
Today I'm listening to Metal talks - Metallica. They had Master of Puppets on the playlist and even though I've listened to it a thousand+ times it still gets to me. This time I had to hold back the tears when the solo came, it just says a lot about how fucking good it is. It is definitely one of the best solos in the history of music, according to me.
I don't think I can express how much I love this band and their music! Maybe I should just not hold back and let the tears speak for themselves?
XXX
Butterflies
It's been a while since I had this feeling... Butterflies! Excited, tingly! This is usually my Going-To-London-Feeling.
Tonight I'm going to Gröna Lund in Stockholm to see KoRn for the 3rd time. I was never a huge fan until Download2016 when I saw them for the first time. Before the gig we were talking about maybe going back to the hotel instead, to wait for Rammstein, but we decided to stay anyway and I am so glad we did! Both of us totally flipped when we realised how fucking good they were. So good, I actually think they were one of the best acts on DL2016! We jumped around, headbanging, totally overwhelmed. At some point I had to stop everything I was doing and just listen - the sound was so good, I thought it was playback. But it wasn't. Just KoRn being awesome!
Tomorrow I'm going back there to see Rival Sons for the 4th time. I will probably re-fall in love with Jay Buchanan, the singer. His voice just hits my heart and breaks it into a million pieces. It can't be explained, it is just crazy how much power he has in his voice. The way he not only just sings but expressing feelings, he's expressing the music in a way that I have never ever seen anoyone do before. I would say, without a doubt, he is the best rock n roll singer on this planet! (Bare in mind that this is coming from someone who has a hard time saying anyone's her favourite apart from James Hetfield, Metallica or Ivan Moody, FiveFingerDeathPunch). His bandmembers are of course very talented as well and they seem to have a chemistry that I also never have seen before. For example on their latest album Hollow Bones there's a track called Hollow Bones pt 2. I was listening to the commentary track and found out that it was basically a "jam-session" and the song ending up on the album was the first take. Hollow Bones pt 2 was my favourite track on this album before I found out, then - MIND-FUCKING-BLOWN! Then hearing it live.. Oh My God!
You can listen to it on Spotify or Youtube, links below!
You. Are. Welcome.
Enjoy! :)
Things that happen
Sometimes things happen in your life. It all happens in a few seconds and everything changes forever.
You end up miserable, knowing that you could've done a million things differently and things could still be like they used to. Being torn between blaming yourself for what happened and knowing it's not your fault.
"If only I had...", "I should just have...", "What if I...". None of it actually really matters, because it did happen and you did not do a single one of those millions things differently.
What could've been if THAT didn't happen? How would things be now? I guess that's what hurts the most. Knowing things could still be good. That, and people not believing in your side of the story. The people you still want as your friends...
The guilt and shame of ending up in that situation. How could this even happen?
Still it's not those few seconds that repeat itself in the head like a broken record. It's everything around it, the broken relationships and trusts, the hurt and tears and the feeling that "Why did things have to end that way?". What could have been.
How do you kill the demons inside your head?
Deciding not to let them get to you doesn't really help. Maybe acceptance comes later on...?
Until then, do you let the demons take over and break you down just to be able to build yourself up again or do you pretend they don't exist until they're gone forever?
Rock, Eat, Sleep, Repeat...
Well, almost.. More like: Rock, eat, -- repeat. 2 ½ hours of sleep is what I got after coming home from the Guns N Roses concert on Thursday.
I thank god for caffein right now (funny since I don't even believe in god... That's how thankful I am).
On Wednesday I went to Bråvalla Festival, Norrköping and saw System Of A Down. FINALLY! I listened to them a lot when I was a teenager and they were one of the first rock bands I really liked. (Now that I think of it, it's a weird first rock band to like that much)
Their show was so fucking weird sometimes, but also - SO FUCKING GOOD! They had a set of ~30 songs but it never got boring. Out of all my favourites, they played all of them but maybe 5 songs, and I have a lot o favourites...
During a few of them, things got so weird on stage, I was thinking "did someone slip something in my water earlier or is this really happening?".
Thursday was Guns N Roses-night at Friends Arena. This was amazing too.. And Long.... 3 hours and 9 minutes. My feet almost died and I felt like the oldest lady in that arena. I almost felt bad complaining since I saw at least 5 pregnant ladies where I was standing, one of them looked like she could give birth any second.
"Not in this lifetime tour" is what they call it and the story behind it is so funny. (The band splitting up, Axl and Slash having this huge fight about whatever and saying that a reunion will never happen, "not in this lifetime" and then it happened anyway).
The show was really good, but I'm not very happy with the sound where we were standing. Apparently the sound was really good at the very front and I remember it was when we saw AC/DC at Friends arena, but where we were standing it was not as good this time. This arena is known for its bad sound, so it was not really a surprise. A few of the songs got pretty boring to me, since I haven't really listened to The Chinese Democracy-album, like at all... Johan has waited for this for over 15 years so he was really happy (like a child on Christmas x10000). He even said "Slash must be like no.1 on your freebee-list* after this huh? Like, I'm not attracted to dudes, but I worship this guy". He was right.
*Freebee-list is a list of 5 celebrities that you get to XXX without it beaing cheating or the other person getting mad.
There is something about Slash and his guitar. Like, I don't see it as "a guy and his guitar". He somehow becomes one with that beautiful instrument and expresses himself through it in a way that I feel like I can understand, even though there are no words.
There's no doubt the guitar is the love of his life and I am grateful that it is, because I get to enjoy his relationship with it too.
The show ended with pyro and confetti and Paradise City. The company running the trains in Stockholm (SL) decided that it would be a good idea starting their new project on this day at 22:00. Two hours before 55.000 people were supposed to leave the area. The trains would leave every 30 minutes and wouldn't operate south from Stockholm Central and we parked our car in Tullinge like always, going to Stockholm(30 minutes with trains from Stockholm C). Getting a taxi was impossible and there were barely any busses either. We were running around the area, really confused and tired, trying to get the fuck out of there and 01:30 we managed to catch the train to Stockholm C. From there we had to find a taxi (just like 30.000 other people). We finally found one that wasn't too expensive. The driver listened to GNR so that was a good sign. When we finally got home we went straight to bed - 03:30. 2 ½ hours later my alarm went off since I had to go to work. Zombie-mode.
On friday I had a little birthday party for some friends and family. We watched Trosa Stadslopp, an 8,9km long run that happens every year around my birthday, and had food/cake/icecream. I am so grateful for all the love and presents I got during this night. It is amazing I could stay awake for so long, especially since I tucked Theo in when he went to bed. I stayed in there with him until he fell asleep and I was about to do the same.
On saturday we went to Erik, Tess and Gustav for their moving in/"naming ceremony". The weather was really nice so we could stay outside, playing games having cake and food. It was a really nice party and I wish we could've stayed longer but I was really tired so we decided to go home instead of staying over like we first had planned.
Sunday was all about recovering. I stayed in bed until noon and then I just chilled aaaaall day. This week is the first week without any plans during the week since april, so hopefully I will have more time to just take it easy. This friday we will go back to Gdansk, Poland with Karlsson and Alle this time. I am really looking forward to it, especially having the best beer in the world at Hotel Gdansk*****. Can't wait!
XXX
Wanderlust
Wanderlust
/ˈwɒndəlʌst/
noun
A strong desire to travel.
This is what I feel in my entire body right now. It is stronger than ever and I just want to go somewhere. I don't really care about where I'd go, just somewhere else. Away from here.
I feel like I'm in a place where every day is the same. I don't feel like I have time to do much except for working, eating, sleeping and sometimes going to the gym. I want time off work and enough money to do something with that time.
I started off fantasising about the Maldives and Thailand, going somewhere exotic, far far away. But now I'm at a point where I'm even dreaming about going to Gothenburg (4 ½ hour drive away), or even to one of my favourite places near where I live (like 15 min drive).
The plans for my summer vacation are not done yet, but hopefully I will be able to go somewhere. I might go to Spain with some friends, but it all depends if every one can take time off at the same time. I've also been thinking about going to England, and MAAAAAYYYYBE go to Download for one day, to see System Of A Down and Five Finger Death Punch, but it also kinda depends if I can get someone (anyone at this point) to come with me.
With desperation comes creativity. Maybe this gives me a chance to figure out a way to make more money and have more free time...
Feels so good
I had decided to go to the gym today but I was really tired and had no motivation to go, what so ever. I tried to make up excuses why I shouldn't have to go there. I came up with a few but my "alter ego" crushed them all. So I went.
I got on the treadmill and started running and it felt really good. I ended up with a new personal record on 5km. (I love winning over myself!) Usually when I get a new personal record I beat the last one with just a few seconds, but this time I got a new time that was 3 min 5 sec better than the last one!! And this time was way easier than the last time!!
I love seeing results!!
More to come! :)
XXX
Gotta start somewhere
It's been two and a half months since I went to the gym. I had such a good workout-flow up until mid-December and after that my life has been a mess. Not necessarily in a bad way, I have just been so so busy.
Worst case - hockey season with Hockeyallsvenskan will end on Friday next week and after that it'll be so much easier for me to have time to go to the gym. Only thing is I don't want it to end! It feels like it just started and this means there'll be no more hockey until September (apart from pre-season games in late summer). Good thing the NHL goes on until June...
I went to the gym on Saturday and Sunday. Since I haven't been there in such a long time, so I was thinking I'd start slow. That almost never works, cause when I'm finally there I'm so motivated to just go "all-in". And I did. It felt really good on Saturday but since then I've been so fucking sore. I've heard that the best way to get rid of the pain is working out even more, but didn't really work... I just can't wait for today to be over cause I'm guessing this will be the worst day!
Feels good to be back though!
On Tuesday I'm going to Oslo. I'm a bit nervous because of the language, but I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm looking forward to a break from my everyday life, doing something different. And hopefully I'll find a ticket to Rival sons!
Negotiations
"I'm not going to. But I want to. But I shouldn't. But I... No! I can't...But... STOP IT... But just a little bit... FFS DON'T! LEAVE. NOW!"
My little attempt to negotiate with myself.
For anyone else this might not seem so hard, but for an addict like me... It's a fight.
I stayed strong and didn't do it!
I'm talking about sugar. Yesterday, we had a little birthday party for one of my coworkers who turned 50 recently. Four different kinds of cakes were served. I had none! Well done, me!
Finally I found some space in my calendar to plan going to the gym, and it's on saturday. It's been so long since I went there and I'm really excited about going there.
FML
Last night we went to Södertälje to watch Patriks game. It ended with a result different from what I was hoping for. I'm really happy I got to see my brother though, and I think he played well.
When we were almost back home I realised we have to go and get my car and when we got there I noticed I'm gonna have to clear the windows, since the temperature dropped during the day...
I put my things on the passenger seat and got the window-scraper-thingy. I closed the door and two seconds later my car told me: "Click"... All my things were locked in, and I was locked out! My iPhone, keys, creditcards - my life! xD I got back in J's car and we went to my parents house to get the extra key, about 10 minutes away. When we got there my dad told me that they didn't have the key and that we took it back home a while ago. I HAD TOTALLY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT!!! FUUUUCK!!!!
So, we went back home and got the key, got the car and then went home. Because of all this shit happening we got back home an hour later than if it didn't happen. I was just looking forward to get back home to my bed and go to sleep. When my head finally hit the pillow I fell sleep right away...
XXX
Tulips
I have always loved tulips. They make me happy because they remind me of spring/summer (the best time of the year!)
I bought some for J the other day and we put them on our new chest of drawers upstairs. It really made the entire room feel different. Not sure if it's just me, but it felt like it brought a positive energy and made the room so much brighter. (This has made me feel like such a girly-girl)
We almost never have fresh flowers, but after this I'm going to want them all the time!
XXX
Luck
I have realised a lot of my blog posts are just me complaining about things. Being poor, being fat, being tired, being "darkness-depressed" and so on... Not this one though!
This week has been a good one and I have felt really lucky! Here are my top-three reasons why.
1. In the beginning of this week I got an e-mail from my teamleader in Norway (I'm working for a team in Oslo, Norway but I'm located in Stockholm, Sweden). She asked me if i wanted to join a meeting in Oslo later this month. OF COURSE I DO! :) I have never been to Oslo and I have never met my colleagues in Oslo, even though I have been working with them since April 2016.
I immediately said yes, but then I realised I hadn't checked my calendar first. I did, and found that going on feb 28th would be perfect since it was a "hockey-free" day. Also it wouldn't affect the Rival Sons-concert I'm going to on march 2nd. Looking at the calendar got me thinking, what if Rival Sons are playing in Oslo on feb 28?! I looked it up right away, and it turns out - THE ARE!!!!!!! So, I would get my flights and hotel payed to go over so the only thing I would have to get is the ticket. Unfortunately, the tickets are sold out. I will hopefully still be able to buy one on the "black market". *Fingers crossed*
2. Wednesday was gameday for Patrik, my brother. He scored twice, got two assists and he played so well!! He is so awesome and it makes me so happy to see him play. Anyone who knows me, knows I am his biggest fan and the proudest sister in the fucking world.
3. Some of you might know I have a "brother-who-is-not-really-my-brother", Marcus. He used to play in the same team as Patrik in the early days, and they were always really good friends. Since he practially lived with us on-and-off, especially during the summers, he became like a family member and I will always think of him as my brother.
In September he moved with his family to California, to play hockey. He has been playing for San José, Barracuda in AHL, adjusting to the North American hockey and earlier this week San José recalled him.
On Tuesday he got to make his NHL-debut against the Buffalo Sabres. He even got an assist on one of the goals!!! (Unfortunately they lost the game in OT).The game started 01:00 Wednesday (Sweden time) and I watched it with mum and dad :)
When I found out he was playing I cried happy tears and I felt so proud of him! I know how hard he worked to get here and he really deserves this!
Such an amazing week! Today is friday, my favourite day of the work week. We call it JennyDay at the office!
So to everyone reading this - Happy JennyDay!! <3
XOXO
Budget
I've recently made my budget for February... And I realised I'm so fucking poor!
I hate worrying about money. It's so stressful and depressing. However I feel more motivated to sell shit I have that I don't need.
Last week I returned something I bought a while ago. That usually never happens, but it felt good knowing I would get some money back for something I probably won't use a lot.
I am going to try and remember to keep an eye on my bank account a bit more often. Being more aware would most likely make it easier not to buy unnecessary shit.
Being a spontaneous person can be a lot of fun, but sometimes there are economic consequences that makes it feel like that "fun little thing that was on sale" was just not worth it.
So I guess this is what it's like to be an adult. Buying a house, taking responsibility... Better get used to it.
Just to be clear, I'm only bitching about not having enough money to do the things I'm used to. Most of the time I feel that it is so worth it becuase I love my "new" home and I can't wait for summer when we can be outside, take a swim, have a massive BBQ-party (or five), grow things in my garden and when the electric bill will be cut in half... and then those halfs get cut in half, and then again!!
I realised it's not too long ago since my economic situation was like this. In May it'll be two years ago since I graduated, and two years ago since I stopped living on a "student-income", which was half of what I earn today. It's amazing how fast someone can adapt to a certain standard or a way of living. At least when it comes to having more money to spend. Let's see how long it'll take until I'm used to having less money to spend...
Motivation
Right now it feels like I'm in between two places in my life: Winter depression and Spring happiness. It's like being depressed but in a really good mood. It's weird and confusing as fuck. But I kinda like it, cause it means things are changing for the better.
I have lost all my motivation to have healthy lifestyle right now and I think that might be one of the reasons I feel a bit depressed. I am constantly tired and that makes it hard to find the motivation to go to the gym and since I'm "All-in or nothing", right now it's "Nothing". This morning, as I was walking from the bus to the office, I felt like this was gonna be a shitty day and I almost decided to go and get something unhealthy to eat right away. When I was standing in front of the vending machine I changed my mind...
On the other hand, I am so motivated for other things. I can't wait for spring and when it's time for me to start growing things in my own backyard. My plants are my babies and I love watching them grow up, until I eventually eat them. (No, I will not do the same when I have kids)
I feel motivated to get rid of shit I don't need and maybe making some money out of it. I hate throwing things away that are not broken, that's why I feel better if I give them away or sell them. I easily get emotionally attached to things and find it hard to get rid of them: "Oh, but I got this from XXXX, it would feel wrong to throw it away", "I know this top is way too small for me now but I bought it in Spain that time....", "This reminds me of XXXXX, so I have to keep it"...
I usually feel very creative during spring. I love creating things but unfortunately I don't take the time to do all the things I want to do. If only I had more free time to do them...
New Year's resolutions
The countdown has begun. Oh the cliches... "New year, new possibilities". "A fresh start". "New Year's Resolutions".
Still, why not? If someone can feel motivated to try and be a better person or improving their life somehow, I think they should.
I started thinking about what my resolutions should be recently... I will probably go for #Beach2017 (as usual) but other than that I have decided to keep loving and enjoying life. I know everyone says "to hell with 2016". To be honest, I can't relate because my year wasn't that bad, quite the opposite really. (I know the world lost a lot of amazing people this year and there is war and shit, but besides that)
I'm thinking that, what if we end up same time next year wishing it was 2016 again...?
I believe that "life is what you make it". I try to live "right here, right now" as much as possible. Too much if you ask some people... I think it's important doing the things that you want to do, when you want to do them. What if it is too late to do it another time?
I live my life with very few regrets (link to that post below) and I want to keep living my life like that. I think I will be able to do that as long as I keep enjoying my life, doing the things I love.
* I want to keep travelling a lot.
* I'm going to continue spending time and money on my passion in life - Live Music. (I already have like 7 concerts/festivals I want to go to in 2017)
* I want to spend more time with friends and family.
* I will do what I can to gain more confidence and feel good about myself.
* I am going to enjoy good food, without feeling bad about it.
* I'm going to make healthier choices too - eat right and work out.
* I want to figure out what/when/where/where I am going to get my new tattoo and hopefully have it done in 2017. (I have a few suggestions already)
Last but not least, I am going to do everything I can to make 2017 the best and the fucking craziest year in my life! Maybe you will be a part of it?
Music
Music can make me feel the way I once did. It can bring me back to the same state of mind in the first drum beat or chord.
I use music to process my feelings - happiness, sadness, love and hate and sometimes it creates like little mental scars. Every time I hear that music those feelings come rushing right back. It's like I placed my feelings in that patricular music and listening to it later activates those feeling again. Like mentally travelling in time. It's an automatic reaction that I cannot control.
Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes it's not.
It's a good thing, when it takes me back to an awesome moment, for example when it takes me back to Download Festival, I can feel the mud under my wellies, a raindrop finds its way inside my rain poncho running down my back, I can taste the food I had and feel all the emotions I had while standing in the crowd. Or that feeling when you've just stepped inside the festival area...
It's not, when it makes me feel that misery, that broken heart, loneliness or the emptiness... In one of my "recent" posts I wrote a little about "Hozier - Arsonist's lullaby". Sums it all up pretty well.
I can always relate to the music I'm listening to, in one way or another. Not just the lyrics, but to the music - like the drum beat or the riff for example. It is amazing how music can speak my feelings without using words and how someone can express my feelings better than myself, just using their instruments/voice.
One of my favourite lines is from KoRn - Twisted Transistor:
"A lonely life, where no one understands you. But don't give up, because the music do"
It's comforting because it makes me feel like I will never be alone, as long as I have music...
Alter Ego
Like stepping out of being yourself, becoming your-other-self...
How else could one person go from having like nothing but self-control, to having no self-control at all?
For example, with my recent diet - how can that one side take such control over the addiction? An addiction that I have had for years, and suddleny it is so easy to stop. Pushing it to a point where it is unhealthy. Like she would give a fuck?
Next thing you know, you just cannot stop...
She is my dark side. But I fucking love her.
New habits
Last week I got a new car. This week I am getting myself some new habits...
I know I have said it before, and I probably will say it again, but today is a new beginning for me.
Lat night, before bed I took some "before pictures". No posing, no angles just standing there. I think they were horrible and in pure denial I thought "that can't be me". Reality caught up with me and I realised it actually is ME in the picture.
Here is what motivates me:
* Being healthy
* Losing weight
* Having more energy
* Gaining confidence
* = Being happier in general
What is most challenging this time is that I have to set a random goal. When I have done this before I have always had something to look forward to, like going somewhere (like London, the maldives or anywhere else). This time I don't, at least until June (Download2017) and that is 1 - not even booked yet, 2 - too far away.
I just need to get through this first couple of weeks, getting over this sugar addiction and then I'll be ready for anything.
If you have any good ideas for healty food (no seafood but fish and low/less carbs) please let me know!
XXX
Weigh in
Every single time… I work really hard just to fuck it up. Yes, I am talking about the same thing as usual – health (weight).
How fucking hard can it be?
I managed to lose 5,6 kg from January to May. I know it’s not super fast, but I did it. Since I got back from England I put on that same weight again. In two months.
I know most of it is water but still… I feel like I have this split personality where one of them is really healthy and motivated and the other is the opposite.
Since we moved to our house I haven’t been to the gym. I cancelled my gym membership and since I don’t have my own car yet I haven’t been able to go to the local gym. Hopefully I will buy a car during this week and when it is done I will go straight to the gym and sign up.
I feel ready for this now. I am done with my unhealthy habits and I really want to get back in shape. I am going to. I need to set a goal and then work for it.
I was thinking I’d do this for real this time, with all the measurements and shit, not only use the bathroom scales. The more I measure, the more motivation I get to get the results I want!
(Blog post from last week)
